Saturdays

I am trying to start a new (technically not new, it’s about a month in the making) routine of taking 30 minutes in the morning, every morning, to sit and sip my coffee. I’ve succeeded (who knew how hard it would be for me to spell that word) 3/7 days of the week, most weeks. With a 6 month old puppy the silent and sit routine is much harder to establish. I WISH I would’ve started before we got him. Taking time to just sit I’ve found is extremely refreshing. It’s Saturday today. So I’m sitting and reflecting back on my week (and my current work day ahead), trying to think of successes and “fails” for the week.

Some successes would be finally manning up and signing up for a powerlifting program. I’ve lost motivation with my current workouts, I write my own programming and switch it every couple of months, so I am extremely excited for some outside perspectives from another avenues of fitness. I’ve also been able to get in bed each night by 10pm. Which is so much more rewarding than my 18 year old self would eye roll about. The final success would be re-dialing into my relationship. We’ve been together 2.5 years now, have lived together over a year, and are getting ready to move to a new place next month. I’ve found we go through spurts of being very in tune, then very separated, while living in the same 800 sq ft space. This week we were in tune, had fun, had sex, went to bed around the same time (small but huge), made time for friends, and bonded over our asshole teenage puppy. 2.5 years isn’t a very long time in the grand scheme of things, but with my past relationships always being capped at 2 years, this is where the waters get tested for me. If I can fully commit and be dialed into one person to where I can say, “yes. I would in fact, say yes” to the big question- I will be extremely happy.

Some failure- ironically here is where I got interrupted by the little nugget, so since then, we went on a very long rainy walk, I’ve gotten to work early, worked out, its 4 hours later and I am now stationed at work until 4pm.

So since I started writing this morning, the failures have slipped my brain a little bit. If I had to pinpoint one off the top of my head it would be that I am still struggling with openly expressing/feeling/releasing emotions to myself, my boyfriend, and mainly in daily life. It’s day by day so I wouldn’t say it’s a failure, but its a work in progress. I’m almost afraid that if I open up the locked can of “what do I REALLY want in life” I’m not really sure what I’ll discover about myself. It could affect my relationship, friendships, even where I live ( I mean, I’ve always had the dream of starting over somewhere new, what if I actually listened that-terrifying). I guess some people right off the bat do whatever they want when they want, and have found exactly who they are, but I know I’m not even close.

On a lighter note, my day will be busy with clients, which is great. 4pm comes fast this way. Tonight we’re supposed to meet some friends a at local restuarant for margs, and tomorrow I’ll be going to the farmers market (hopefully with the puppy- this is a serious test), but with the rain it could just be a cleaning day.

Sidenote-writing things out still feels great.

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